Something personal. And not ffriend locked, what?
Posting this here with no friend lock because I figure it needs to be shared as much as possible.
This is not me not are they my words, but I shall adapt them for myself.

Now, it could've been written better. Maybe. But, you know what? It gets the point across.

Halp. This applies to rennies.
So, there's a little project that's been going on and I'm now going to ask for some help.
There's a need for a few things:
A cotton muffin hat. (Doesn't exactly need to be cotton, but should be able to be worn by a peasant)
A bodice for a smaller build. (33in bust, 30in underbust, 27-28 waist)
Not-black-boots to fit a 10-11 women's, a 8-9 men's. No zippers please.

Any stains, burns, holes, patches, markings, etc. are welcomed and wanted here. These objects can be as used or as new as you're willing to give away. As long as they're not black or purple, they should be fine as they can be faded easily if too strong of a colour.
 I probably won't be able to pay for them, but I have some fabric that I can trade and a few faire items. Or there can be house cleaning/cooking/whatever done in exchange. I can even sew new faire clothes in exchange.

I just suck at getting these things. Mostly the bodice and boots.

Moving away~
Ed Face
So, right now, I'm packing up everything in boxes. Big boxes, small boxes, kind of ripped boxes. Well... I have a lot of boxes now.
And I do mean there's a lot of boxes.

So.... Guess who's going to build a fort out of them and sleep inside said fort. That's right, me.
In a fort of boxes.
With a muffin.
And a flash light.
Oh, and the best blanket ever.

Yup, I'm a kid sometimes.

Double dog dare you!
Hey, while I'm out of town visiting a friend, someone draw me something?
Like perhaps happy sperm? Or a zombie raptor? Hmm...maybe a girl with several mutations coming out of her back attaching her to a bed?
Something a bit weird, but considered normal for me. Get those gears going people...I dare you to draw!

Hey, does anyone have a wig that they don't want anymore? It can be ratty or tangled to no end, it doesn't matter. The wig can even be any colour!
If you have one, please let me know. I generally can't get anywhere outside of Kenosha due to being broke, but I do attend faire.

Anyways, leave me a comment or message me. Thankies <3

Pale ghost spider
Spiders seem more like humans now.
Dew in their webs.
The frailty of those webs.
Loving in a way.
Kill or hurt the ones they have been with.
Plus, they live in the center if their own worlds.
They are born, live, eat, create, die.
But, they're more truthful then humans are.
They don't lie or say they're sorry when they don't mean it.
Spiders just live.
Just live.

It's funny what one can learn from such a small being that others hate.
Try it sometime. You might be surprised what you learn.

For those of you reading and rolling your eyes or possibly disagreeing with this entire right now, just think about it.
Also remember that I've been up all night, then this thought hit, and I wrote it down here after it fled. The title refers to a spider I had killed last week, it was a beautiful bone white colour, was tiny, and was crushed so easily when I wiped it away.

All that glitters is gay...
Sitting on the bruthar Mel's floor, listening to Vast, I realize how much I've changed over the years.
No longer a cutter, but someone who never even gets those thoughts anymore.
More able to take why someone might not like me compared to wanting to basically change myself to get them to. Now it's more of trying to change myself in ways to the point I like me.
I like me a hell of a lot more both mentally and physically, which happened because of the growing up shit as well as learning life more.

It's funny, last year this time I was dating. I was happy through myself as well as someone else. That happiness depended on that person sometimes, and it was a bit unhealthy. Oh well, I'm the crazy/weird/why-did-I-date-that type of ex to those who've dated me. That's fine, it's probably true and, as I've said, oh well.
This year I'm happy just being by myself. There's been times were I went "Damn, I was to be with them still." or "I hope they see me because I miss them." And that was stupid, degrading. Now, it's different. True, I would like to be with someone or someones, but I don't need it.

I still fall asleep better with someone in the room, always have. (less nightmares, more comfort)

This past year was indeed a year of great changing. My ego is higher,  my mental state is higher, the body weight is lower (working on that), and the want to see people less. Also, the disliking for humans increased...and the loving of true close friends increased even more so.

I'm loving this CD of Vast, it's a bit depressing but very movable. It makes the Ren dance.

Also, I have a binder. Not sure what that is? Take a guess, those who know me truly should be able to figure it out. This is also a great ego boost.

Cheryl and Andy, thank you for giving me ego boosts when I wasn't expecting them. Thank you both for just being such awesome friends.
Amanda, thank you for generally still talking to me and for coming back to lj a little bit. <3
Nathan, thanks for joining me in the sleepover of pirates and much more.
Mel, thank you for dealing with me ranting about myself and others.
Morgan, thanks for making me grow up a lot faster.
Kazakai, thanks for teaching me not to trust some that I consider good friends from interweb land and for helping me grow up more in that one week then I usually do in a month. Real eye opener.
Nikky, thank you for talking to me again, despite me not being able to prove myself.
Thomas, oh Thomas, thank you for putting up with my shit this summer and being a great friend after it. I wish to tell you that I'm sorry for quite a few things and I'm so very very glad for you. <3 Thank you for a lot more then this.
Jacq, thank you for giving me a chance, dealing with me being stupid, being a virgin, and generally everything else.
Traveler, thank you so much for helping look after me this summer, I'm kinda officially making you my dad of my faire family.
Cassie, thank you for hawkin' next to me at faire and generally being a cheer up and comrade. Also, thank you for looking after me as well.
Amanda F., thank you for the protection and guidance so far.
Lara, thank you for dealing with you mom/dad when I was being a dumbass a few times.

There are the rest of you who need to be thanked as well, but! I need a tiny bit of sleep...Perhaps someday you all may realize the dreams I'm having.

No subject here
I need my Midnight Kitten Lover Man, I thought I found him before, but I was wrong. Must keep searching for him, even though he might be in female form and overlooked because of that.

Anyways, waiting for the Demon Kitten to come on and tell me if it's okay to visit him or not. He propably won't, but oh well, I hope he does in time. Might just see the Panda Rainbow Slinkster instead the entire time I'm there in their town.

Does anyone ever wonder why they're so strange? I do. I fear so many good things because they might hurt me or someone else. Sex? I fear having it because I think I'm small inside and might have a baby. Doctors? They might tel me that I have something wrong with me that I don't have and give me pills that cause me more harm then good. The Gyno? ...I don't need to give a reason for this. Falling for someone again? There's so many ways to hurt me, even if I hurt you, I hurt more from taking your pain ontop of my own.

Nothing quite like being mentally raped, molested, ripped apart, get your flesh eaten, watch yourself die, watch loved ones killed, watch loved ones killed by you. and nothing quite like feeling your dream wings being ripped off. Too many nightmares recently.
Too many tears.
Too many drops of blood.
Too many screams.
Too many versions of what things could be.
Too many Spirits.
Too many Things.

Gender (one of my few non-friends only posts)
When most think of that word, it's ether girl or boy, female or male, man or woman. Most also put it with a person's shell..the gender they were forced into at birth.
Well, most of you who know me know I don't play by that. I'm nether fully female or male inside though my outside is very much female and I have to play a female as well. I'm not allowed to be nether or a male by my family, school, and now work. I may be a C cup and have hips of doom, but I seriously hate being viewed this way. I hate being a female...and a very femine female at that.
Why am I bring this up for the first time on here? Well, a lot of my friends and their S.O.s that are trans or genderfucked are all talking to me/with me about how they feel about their gender. Morrigan and Nate, Kazakai, Rachael, Mel and his boy, this one girl in my class that I sometimes talk to...they all are not happy with their gender as it is.

We, those who are nether or the other gender that are bodies are not, are just like everyone else. We need to be treated as human beings as well. Please don't hate us because of who we feel we are inside and want to change the outside to match. Love us because we have enough balls (so to speak) to change ourselves so we don't hate ourselves.
I dunno why anyone would be against any of us for wanting to be happy as long as it doesn't affect anyone else bodies or mental state. We're wanting to change OUR bodies for OURSELVES, not anyone else. Not for the mailman, not for our teachers, not for our parents, not for our kids.
Yes, it may be selfish but isn't just wanting to live and fighting death selfish as well? I know several who don't wish to die, and fight it tooth and nail. They do it for themselves only even though those around them cheer them on.

Anyways, since I got permission from my friend Kazakai, I'm going to post HIS pictures in this entry.
His pictures describe a lot about how I feel most of the time, that's why there here.

If you're against this topic or feel differently about it then I do and wish to comment, be smart about it. Give detailed reasons or if you wish to debate on it, do it here so others can see.

~I didn't choose my gender at birth, nether did you. My gender doesn't match up with the one in my head. Shouldn't I be allowed to fix that so I can be happy? I think so.~

Late night questions
What do I mean to you? Why can't you tell me your secrets? I'm I someone just placed there to wait for you? Am I yours?
What do I mean to you? Am I just a toy? Your thing you can lie about? The one who should cry over you?
What am I, in your murky yet clear eyes, to you?
I have so many questions to ask you that I know you'll never answer to me on the phone, in person, this late at night. You'd wait till daytime when you could lie so you wouldn't hurt me, when you could wear the mask so you didn't show hurt.
I love you and take my mask away freely to show you myself. I've taken down my shields and let you in. I want to ask you questions I know you won't answer at night.
But I'll answer them day or night, mask or no it would still be the truth. I can not lie to you. Yet you can to me so thus this is unfair.
You're so unfair to my heart.
I want my questions answered.
Is love between just two souls? Or is it between many?
I'm beganing to remember a time where I once loved this dark haired, dark eyed, light skinned beauty. I remember getting hurt for it but I can't remember if i's my own doing or not.
I lost a pair of something greatly important to me. With them, I lost power and memories. I don't remember much after that till I remet her. I didn't love her the same way I did before I've realised, but viewed and still view her as a sister to me. As someone who's one with me.
Now I love another who is two but one. I'm still confused as to why this person continues to hurt me unwittingly by persuing others when I'm not next to him. Though I do act like a child when I'm with him, I'm really not but I do it makes said man happy or so I believe. I hope he notices soon that he's doing this and can explain why to me.

I think I might start to dislike love soon.

Posted by Ren
note from me:
This is my friend Luke and he wanted me to post this. He wanted me to post it so everyone could read it, not just my friends. Those of you who know who Luke is, don't tell others about him unless he decides it's okay and if he does, he'll actaully tell you so. I'll post my own post tomorrow after I talk with him a bit more.
All above was written by him for this post, nothing has been changed.

Fuck them

My mom doesn't know why I dislike or hate her. Today was a perfect example of why.

Today she came in with me to talk with my teacher. I rather this not happen during school hours or when I'm around at least. They both talked as if I wasn't there, if I was a child in a play pen who couldn't understand them at all or hear them.

I heard them just fine, everyone could. I know my mom believes every single thing my teacher tells her even if I'm her child and I know I don't sleep every day during school. I know I don't talk in class at all. I know I fucking do my work.

I'm tired of being treated like a child in this school district. I'm tired of being treated with such disrespect in the form of speech, in letters, in everything I do or say. I know I'm a failure but I'm a failure that is or above the level that they are at.

The law supposably creates us all equal, that is complete bull shit. Even if your the same skin color as another person, you're lower then them because of your fucking age in the school system.

This place reeks more foul then the ass of a sick elephant who just ate a rotting corpse. I'm so tired of high school, of school in general, for the reason I lisited above but there's so much more that makes me tired of this place.

1. I always am treated as if I'm here only to fill up my time and leave like so many of the kids who are blown of their asses who don't work. I don't have a problem with people being high of their asses or being high in general at school as long as they fucking do their work.

2. When I do sleep in class, which is about once a week, I only sleep for about 10-30 minutes before I wake up on my own and go back to sleep. The fucking dipshit fat person who has no sense of what would look good on themselfs, who claims to be a female, she ether will double of thriple the time I was sleeping because she can't use the orbs that might be eyes to see how long I really was sleeping. Fucking dimwit.

3. They say their cutting and buckling down on drugs here at this school, right? Then how come deals for shrooms, pot, e, and other drugs goes on right next to me when it's completely silent in the class AND not get told to at least not to talk?

There's more then this but I must get back to work. I took off comments because this is a rant people, I don't need crits on it at all. It's also public because I really don't give a flying fuck who reads it.

Edit: And now I'm sick from being stressed, angry, and depressed all at once. Woot, byebye another 5 pounds.

No subject here
Fuck fuck fuck! Why can't my plans go correctly for once? Why can't mom ask me what my plans are before making plans that include me?! I really fucking hate being in this house, I really really fucking hate being walked all over, and I hate the most that I'm forced to go along with whatever mom wants.
Why in hell do I have to deal with this? I'm 17! I should be able to go and spend the night over my friend's house if I can't have someone stay here for the fucking night!
I want and need to be free of this hell hole.

Okay, the most recent pictures of me are behind 

I know there's a lot of rather crap photos in there but I was bored and took pictures. I have more then this as well, so if you want them...ask me.

P.S.- My laptop has been taken away.

He is here!
Yue arrived at my house on the 17th of this month and both me and Morgan decided he was our son right then and there. He's such a cute boy, even before he received his freckles, eyebrows, and properly paint lips. His wig arrived the same day too!

Yue and Morgan

My favorite shot from the weekend

Yue with his face up...Done by me and was my first time too.

I call him Essence instead of Yue because I have still yet to learn how to properly say his name...
Well, I'll be taking more pictures today!

Quick picture for Damien/ other Cthulhu fans

Ren faire pictures later.

I'm proud
Okay, today I did something that I usually wouldn't do...I drew a friend a tattoo. Jen wanted a sun and moon design at first then wanted the comedy on the sun and tragedy on the moon from the famous theather masks. Oh and maybe a pentagram in the center.
So, I drew it and she's happy with it. I'm happy with it. Kyo likes it.
I think it's beautiful, I hope the tattoo artist who does it doesn't screw it up.

The sun detail and how it was going to somewhat look with the pentagram inside it.

The eye and face details.

Overall detail *notice that in these past two pics there's no pentagram*

My sig and some star detail..

Woot, Woot, Huzzah, and everything else! Now I'm gonna color this baby.

Oh, duh! Reference pictures:



No subject here

I love this song and I just found the video for it. Please listen to it at least once all the way though.

Read this!
I'm having a poll for EVERYBODY to answer here so listen up.

I was thinking of shaving my eyebrows off and using eyeliner/what not for my eyebrows instead.
So, here's what I want to know:
Do you think I should or not?

It doesn't really matter if you do or don't want me to (for I'll do what I want on this) but I'd like everyone's opinion on it.
So answer the poll now.

*ren faire's tomorrow, ren faire's tomorrow. Why can't tomorrow be now?*

For once a public post.
For a while I've noticed something, I may be often depressed but when I am...I hardly ever let people know unless I know they can calm me. Also, I have the people I bug most often for relief of it hardly ever,ever ear from me about it.
These usuals I know can handle it when ever I need them to but I still hardly ever bug them with it.
Jump to today.
I come home to an empty house with no cats greeting me in the living room. I go upstairs and plug in my computer, talk for a bit to Dave(who's in Germany and also had to leave quite early) then stay logged in but I watch tv (for once)so after a while, Mistress comes online and tells me she'll call me late tonight because she's over her boyfriends.
Two people I can't call or talk to online.
Next, I call Jay because Jay works wonders if me when I'm my worst. I remember that he's working today. Then I almost call Kitty, I remember he's in Chicago busy with people and stuff.
Four people I can't talk at all.
Now there's only two people left after I have these two huge fights with mom over so many things that include me, her, my friends, my dad, driving, and my friends living areas.
So I get back online and ask Shoe if I could call her. She says no so I'm fine with that and give her my reasons.
I call Amanda and ask her to come over, she does and I'm able to calm down enough to not cry every other minute. *now has a headache from crying*

What I got so shook up about today was how many people who were my friends are not anymore. How many people I still care for and love like family now ether hate or dislike me.
After that, I think that, I always do things for others and I open myself fully to the few I do love but they never do that for me anymore.
That I'm never the bestest friend but always below that. Always. For once I'd like to be above that.
For once I'd like it if someone this year loved me as much as I love them.
For I'd like to be treated as an equal, not some above them or below them. Not even some to be fearless of nor afraid of. Just equal.

For once, I just want to be able to find exactly what I'm looking for.

I'm a needy person but I'm also not at the same time. I'm still trying to become a better being, discover who and what I truly am, find things, and in the process not cut myself off from anyone and keep all the things I have gained/control.

I put this on public because I thought that maybe someone might be able to relate to this. I'm no longer hiding that I'm crying, that I'm bo strong all the time.
If want to say something,
If you read this,
If you even had a small thought while reading this,
Please comment, I WANT to know what you think of this among:
how i can better myself.
what you think of me right now.


P.S.-If you want to not use your user name, go right ahead...I don't care.
Edit: Click it, now.

No subject here
That is one big cat.
That is all.

No subject here

I'm still up working on him!
I've been working on him all day today and most of last night as well...But at least it's raining and putting me into an artistic mood.
Oh, his name is awesome and I made an aim sn just for this boy to be able to use.

 *I shall be most likely consumed by my efforts with him as well as him himself.*
If I become too hyper over him, please smack me upside the head.

*squeaks and dances*...Don't hit mee!


Stolen from Kitty
Leave a comment.
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a color that associates with you.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.
8. If you want, you can repost this in your journal.

Happy Fucking Mother's Day
It's mother's day alright.
This morning I was sleeping peacefully and was woken up by a pounding on the door.
"Wake up and get ready, Now!" Comes through the door. That was at 9:30 and it now 11:00.
Since then she has knocked on my door while I've been getting ready 5 times and has bitched AJ out for a hour.
I hope this fucking day gets better. I also hope she doesn't think she's going to bossing me from here to there all fucking day.
Mother, you're a bitch who needs to die a slow and painful death.

Oh and if anyone wants to make my day better, randomly call me on my cell. I'll be grateful to you for a very long time.

Another emo-ish post
Okay...time for a small little update...
1) Still pretty lonely
2) Computer crashes more often
3) Got home early from dad's house
4) Watched Rent yesterday
5) More depressed then before
6) Wrote another song and
7) Sang it to someone
8) No longer sick at all
9) Feel like everyone's lying to me again
10) Can't take much more of this kind of life.

If you read this please comment.

Edit: Though I commented back on the comments left, please, 
as before, leave a comment after reading this.


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